(an excerpt out of a 5-page journal entry from today.)
I just don't know what to do with my life anymore. In a good way, I guess? Half good, half bad. I want to read about things pertaining to sociology, psychology, anthropology, philosophy, religious studies. The list goes on and on. People interest the hell out of me. I love observing social groups, trends, fads. It's fun to see how different things affect different people.
I want to write a lot more, too. I don't care if it's stories, poems, thoughts, experiences, structured, unstructured. It really doesn't matter to me. I just want to write. Want to write everything. Anything. Lyrics, quotes, phrases. Just a lot of SOMETHING for me to look back upon. To record. To know. To feel. The more I write, the better I'll get, right? The easier it'll be. Sometimes I have quite interesting throughts that I'd like to either remember, develop, or both. I should take writing courses in college, too.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Monday, August 18, 2008
Fear of letting go?
So, I've come to the conclusion that I crave human contact. Crave being around people and being a part of their social group. I used to dislike it, but now I'm addicted to it. I'll constantly tell my friends I love them - either that or tell them that they ARE my friends. And I hug people every chance I get.
And I didn't know why. Why I had this innate need to show my affection for others. I suppose you could just call me clingy, but maybe I have some subconscious thought that causes me to be clingy.
Maybe, I'm afraid of letting go of people. Of losing them as friends. I've had at least a few close friends that have drifted away so far, I feel I have no chance of ever getting them back. And it hurts a lot. Oh, sure I have new friends, but that's the thing. I'm worried it'll happen again.
That makes sense to me.
Besides, I really do love all my friends and I really hope they appreciate me telling them it.
And I didn't know why. Why I had this innate need to show my affection for others. I suppose you could just call me clingy, but maybe I have some subconscious thought that causes me to be clingy.
Maybe, I'm afraid of letting go of people. Of losing them as friends. I've had at least a few close friends that have drifted away so far, I feel I have no chance of ever getting them back. And it hurts a lot. Oh, sure I have new friends, but that's the thing. I'm worried it'll happen again.
That makes sense to me.
Besides, I really do love all my friends and I really hope they appreciate me telling them it.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Dimensions?
Okay, I had the weirdest thought recently.
What if.
Dreams were actually parts of other dimensions?
Like, I severely doubt they are, but it's fun to think about.
When you dream about people you don't know, maybe they're dreaming about you in their own little universe. It's like having one movie from 2 different points of view. 2 different perceptions.
That would be interesting.
And I decided to hold off on my 4th tangent until I could think it over more. :]
What if.
Dreams were actually parts of other dimensions?
Like, I severely doubt they are, but it's fun to think about.
When you dream about people you don't know, maybe they're dreaming about you in their own little universe. It's like having one movie from 2 different points of view. 2 different perceptions.
That would be interesting.
And I decided to hold off on my 4th tangent until I could think it over more. :]
They won't let the world be.
On page 39 of Sophie's World and I already need to write like crazy about it. -____-
I'm pretty torn about the fact that we were assigned a book on philosophy for summer reading. On one hand, I love the fact that it makes me think so much and literally just gave me 3 new tangents to share with you (I really have 4, but 1 I came up with on my own last week or something). But on the other hand, it hurts my head. All this thinking. And I just end up going in circles, so it feels slightly useless. Anyways, here's #1 for today.
Everything must be explained. Inspired by *checks notes* page 29 of Sophie's World. For some reason, humans need explanations. As stated in the title, they just won't let the world be. For some reason, every little tiny thing that happens must be explained. Now, I'm not complaining, I'm just stating a fact. I feel the same way, I sort of want to know why everything happens. How it happens.
But then again. If I knew, there would be nothing to wonder about. My mind would go to waste. It's like, if you knew everything, you would be SO bored. There would be nothing for you to learn. Nothing to do. Life would be pointless because, ultimately, knowledge is the point of life.
But back to what I was talking about. Religion, for one, is probably the largest used method of explanation. That is probably used more than science. Miracles, for one. So many things are explained by miracles of God(s). #1 Explanation: God created the world. There was nothing - until God created it. Science explains it differently. Big bang created the world, nothing basically exploded to create something. The universe has always been here, goes on forever, etc.
Now, I'm not trying to start a debate here. You can have your own opinions. I'm just trying to get mine out of my head.
But this brings us to tangent #2, which is quite interesting because I was planning on making 4 different posts for all of them. But these 2 blend well together, so I'll keep them together.
Personally, I'm not a believer of God. I know, shocking. But it just seems to unreal to me.
I can't believe that something comes from nothing (page... 31? of Sophies World). I just can't.
God existed, even though nothing else existed, and made something from nothing.
He made the world and everything on it.
It just seems so strange. But then I can't help but think about how the Earth must have come from something. Okay, so I can live with the whole "dust-paricle-explosion" theory, no matter how shaky it may be. Doesn't necessarily mean I live by it.
But space goes on forever? There must be some end to it. But how does it end? Serously. There can't just be a giant wall at the end of space. But it's impossible to wrap your mind around something that never ends. It's like trying to wrap your head around the fact that space has always been here. How long is always? How did space begin? Did it begin?
Those are the questions I'm positive I'll never know the answer to.
Maybe "science" will figure it out eventually. But definitely not in this lifetime.
Probably not even in the lifetime of my generation's great-great-great-grandchildren.
And speaking of science. What if science is completely wrong about everything?
It's almost a scary thought and then I realize - everything will function the same. We'll just have no idea how or why. Or we'll discover how/why it happens. But you never know.
Science has been proven wrong before.
But what if it's never right?
Would it be so bad if we never really knew how/why things happened? We'd start making up more expanations, I can promise you that.
I'm pretty torn about the fact that we were assigned a book on philosophy for summer reading. On one hand, I love the fact that it makes me think so much and literally just gave me 3 new tangents to share with you (I really have 4, but 1 I came up with on my own last week or something). But on the other hand, it hurts my head. All this thinking. And I just end up going in circles, so it feels slightly useless. Anyways, here's #1 for today.
Everything must be explained. Inspired by *checks notes* page 29 of Sophie's World. For some reason, humans need explanations. As stated in the title, they just won't let the world be. For some reason, every little tiny thing that happens must be explained. Now, I'm not complaining, I'm just stating a fact. I feel the same way, I sort of want to know why everything happens. How it happens.
But then again. If I knew, there would be nothing to wonder about. My mind would go to waste. It's like, if you knew everything, you would be SO bored. There would be nothing for you to learn. Nothing to do. Life would be pointless because, ultimately, knowledge is the point of life.
But back to what I was talking about. Religion, for one, is probably the largest used method of explanation. That is probably used more than science. Miracles, for one. So many things are explained by miracles of God(s). #1 Explanation: God created the world. There was nothing - until God created it. Science explains it differently. Big bang created the world, nothing basically exploded to create something. The universe has always been here, goes on forever, etc.
Now, I'm not trying to start a debate here. You can have your own opinions. I'm just trying to get mine out of my head.
But this brings us to tangent #2, which is quite interesting because I was planning on making 4 different posts for all of them. But these 2 blend well together, so I'll keep them together.
Personally, I'm not a believer of God. I know, shocking. But it just seems to unreal to me.
I can't believe that something comes from nothing (page... 31? of Sophies World). I just can't.
God existed, even though nothing else existed, and made something from nothing.
He made the world and everything on it.
It just seems so strange. But then I can't help but think about how the Earth must have come from something. Okay, so I can live with the whole "dust-paricle-explosion" theory, no matter how shaky it may be. Doesn't necessarily mean I live by it.
But space goes on forever? There must be some end to it. But how does it end? Serously. There can't just be a giant wall at the end of space. But it's impossible to wrap your mind around something that never ends. It's like trying to wrap your head around the fact that space has always been here. How long is always? How did space begin? Did it begin?
Those are the questions I'm positive I'll never know the answer to.
Maybe "science" will figure it out eventually. But definitely not in this lifetime.
Probably not even in the lifetime of my generation's great-great-great-grandchildren.
And speaking of science. What if science is completely wrong about everything?
It's almost a scary thought and then I realize - everything will function the same. We'll just have no idea how or why. Or we'll discover how/why it happens. But you never know.
Science has been proven wrong before.
But what if it's never right?
Would it be so bad if we never really knew how/why things happened? We'd start making up more expanations, I can promise you that.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Hmm.
So. There was a spider on my arm at work today. And I didn't know, so some guy swatted it for me.
At least, I think it was a spider.
If so, we had a shitload of spiders at work today. How strange.
They must've been disturbed.
ANYWAYS.
I was thinking: what if I ended up like spiderman?T
otally impossible, I know, I know.
I was just thinking.
But seriously, I was thinking of how annoying work could be.
And wondered if spider-like powers would benefit me at ALL in the Dari.
I came up with the conclusion that they wouldn't.
Am I right or wrong?
At least, I think it was a spider.
If so, we had a shitload of spiders at work today. How strange.
They must've been disturbed.
ANYWAYS.
I was thinking: what if I ended up like spiderman?T
otally impossible, I know, I know.
I was just thinking.
But seriously, I was thinking of how annoying work could be.
And wondered if spider-like powers would benefit me at ALL in the Dari.
I came up with the conclusion that they wouldn't.
Am I right or wrong?
Friday, August 1, 2008
"You can tell me" to "You're a piece of me"
Written July 30, 2008.
Some more things I just need to get OUT of my head.
People always say you can tell them everything.
Friends do.
"You can tell me anything! If it's bothering you, you can tell me!"
But there are really some things that won't interest them and you can tell. If something's bothering you and you bring it up in conversation, they'll change the subject. You feel like you talk about it too much, but it's only because it bothers you. But they act bored and talk in a monotoned, uncaring voice.
Then why lie? Why lie and say you care? These are uninteresting things. Things you don't want - or need - to know. Why try to squeeze it out if you don't want to hear it?
"I want to know what's wrong, I want you to feel better"
It only makes me feel better to talk about something when someone is really genuinely listening. When they really want to hear it. If they don't, I don't want to talk about it. Simple as that.
I feel like I have more to say on that subject, but I can't find a way to type it out. Maybe some other time.
So onto my next subject. :]
---
Everyone I meet changes me.
Even if only a little, they really do.
Every one of my friends is a piece of me.
Every s i n g l e one.
But think. If you meet someone on the street, just the look they give you can affect you. Affect the way you feel, what you think.
Seriously.
It can make you remember an old friend and get back in contact with them.
Maybe the shirt they're wearing makes you discover a new band.
Or movie.
Maybe they say something to someone - even to you - that changes your opinion.
Maybe you discover a new style you want.
Or don't want.
Everyone affects you in some way. Even strangers on the street.
So your friends - the people you're around all the time - must affect you the greatest.
I know my style of clothes, way of speaking, and knowledge has morphed from the people I've grown to love.
A lot.
Sometimes I feel bad - like I'm trying to make myself into a carbon copy of someone else - but then I realize I'm taking pieces of different puzzles to make my own.
I'm discovering who I really feel like inside.
I realize that when I moved, I uprooted myself from the lifestyle I had been forming - which actually turned out to be a good thing.
I went from extremely introverted to fairly extroverted.
If you saw the change, you know what I'm talking about.
When I began making new friends, I realized how much I loved making new friends.
How could I make more if I was introverted?
By changing my way of socializing - not my personality, mind you, I'm still the same Sarah - I met some of the most amazing people I could ever imagine meeting.
But let's get back to the main focus of this spiel.
When I uprooted, I left all my friends.
Meaning I left my entire puzzle behind, or so it felt like.
I was bare and exposed, nobody to hide behind.
So I did the opposite of what I should have - I became even more introverted.
Sure, I made a few good friends, but once I had people to hide behind, I was done with that.But I started making more friends, somehow. And found more pieces to add to the puzzle that is me. Because, as I said before, all my friends are a piece of me.
But one piece left. That piece wasn't major, but it was still strange to find it missing. I can still feel it missing sometimes.
(Bear with the puzzle metaphor, it was all I could think of -____-; )
Well, now another piece will soon be gone. A larger one.
I wonder how it will feel.
Will things go back to how they used to be?
Will I forget about them?
How could I?
See, that's what I'm afraid of.
What if I forget? What if they forget?
What if we forget about each other?
Life will go on, that's what.
But will I still feel that piece missing?
Some more things I just need to get OUT of my head.
People always say you can tell them everything.
Friends do.
"You can tell me anything! If it's bothering you, you can tell me!"
But there are really some things that won't interest them and you can tell. If something's bothering you and you bring it up in conversation, they'll change the subject. You feel like you talk about it too much, but it's only because it bothers you. But they act bored and talk in a monotoned, uncaring voice.
Then why lie? Why lie and say you care? These are uninteresting things. Things you don't want - or need - to know. Why try to squeeze it out if you don't want to hear it?
"I want to know what's wrong, I want you to feel better"
It only makes me feel better to talk about something when someone is really genuinely listening. When they really want to hear it. If they don't, I don't want to talk about it. Simple as that.
I feel like I have more to say on that subject, but I can't find a way to type it out. Maybe some other time.
So onto my next subject. :]
---
Everyone I meet changes me.
Even if only a little, they really do.
Every one of my friends is a piece of me.
Every s i n g l e one.
But think. If you meet someone on the street, just the look they give you can affect you. Affect the way you feel, what you think.
Seriously.
It can make you remember an old friend and get back in contact with them.
Maybe the shirt they're wearing makes you discover a new band.
Or movie.
Maybe they say something to someone - even to you - that changes your opinion.
Maybe you discover a new style you want.
Or don't want.
Everyone affects you in some way. Even strangers on the street.
So your friends - the people you're around all the time - must affect you the greatest.
I know my style of clothes, way of speaking, and knowledge has morphed from the people I've grown to love.
A lot.
Sometimes I feel bad - like I'm trying to make myself into a carbon copy of someone else - but then I realize I'm taking pieces of different puzzles to make my own.
I'm discovering who I really feel like inside.
I realize that when I moved, I uprooted myself from the lifestyle I had been forming - which actually turned out to be a good thing.
I went from extremely introverted to fairly extroverted.
If you saw the change, you know what I'm talking about.
When I began making new friends, I realized how much I loved making new friends.
How could I make more if I was introverted?
By changing my way of socializing - not my personality, mind you, I'm still the same Sarah - I met some of the most amazing people I could ever imagine meeting.
But let's get back to the main focus of this spiel.
When I uprooted, I left all my friends.
Meaning I left my entire puzzle behind, or so it felt like.
I was bare and exposed, nobody to hide behind.
So I did the opposite of what I should have - I became even more introverted.
Sure, I made a few good friends, but once I had people to hide behind, I was done with that.But I started making more friends, somehow. And found more pieces to add to the puzzle that is me. Because, as I said before, all my friends are a piece of me.
But one piece left. That piece wasn't major, but it was still strange to find it missing. I can still feel it missing sometimes.
(Bear with the puzzle metaphor, it was all I could think of -____-; )
Well, now another piece will soon be gone. A larger one.
I wonder how it will feel.
Will things go back to how they used to be?
Will I forget about them?
How could I?
See, that's what I'm afraid of.
What if I forget? What if they forget?
What if we forget about each other?
Life will go on, that's what.
But will I still feel that piece missing?
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