Fear of letting go?

So, I've come to the conclusion that I crave human contact. Crave being around people and being a part of their social group. I used to dislike it, but now I'm addicted to it. I'll constantly tell my friends I love them - either that or tell them that they ARE my friends. And I hug people every chance I get.

And I didn't know why. Why I had this innate need to show my affection for others. I suppose you could just call me clingy, but maybe I have some subconscious thought that causes me to be clingy.

Maybe, I'm afraid of letting go of people. Of losing them as friends. I've had at least a few close friends that have drifted away so far, I feel I have no chance of ever getting them back. And it hurts a lot. Oh, sure I have new friends, but that's the thing. I'm worried it'll happen again.

That makes sense to me.
Besides, I really do love all my friends and I really hope they appreciate me telling them it.

Dimensions?

Okay, I had the weirdest thought recently.

What if.
Dreams were actually parts of other dimensions?
Like, I severely doubt they are, but it's fun to think about.

When you dream about people you don't know, maybe they're dreaming about you in their own little universe. It's like having one movie from 2 different points of view. 2 different perceptions.

That would be interesting.

And I decided to hold off on my 4th tangent until I could think it over more. :]

They won't let the world be.

On page 39 of Sophie's World and I already need to write like crazy about it. -____-

I'm pretty torn about the fact that we were assigned a book on philosophy for summer reading. On one hand, I love the fact that it makes me think so much and literally just gave me 3 new tangents to share with you (I really have 4, but 1 I came up with on my own last week or something). But on the other hand, it hurts my head. All this thinking. And I just end up going in circles, so it feels slightly useless. Anyways, here's #1 for today.

Everything must be explained. Inspired by *checks notes* page 29 of Sophie's World. For some reason, humans need explanations. As stated in the title, they just won't let the world be. For some reason, every little tiny thing that happens must be explained. Now, I'm not complaining, I'm just stating a fact. I feel the same way, I sort of want to know why everything happens. How it happens.

But then again. If I knew, there would be nothing to wonder about. My mind would go to waste. It's like, if you knew everything, you would be SO bored. There would be nothing for you to learn. Nothing to do. Life would be pointless because, ultimately, knowledge is the point of life.

But back to what I was talking about. Religion, for one, is probably the largest used method of explanation. That is probably used more than science. Miracles, for one. So many things are explained by miracles of God(s). #1 Explanation: God created the world. There was nothing - until God created it. Science explains it differently. Big bang created the world, nothing basically exploded to create something. The universe has always been here, goes on forever, etc.

Now, I'm not trying to start a debate here. You can have your own opinions. I'm just trying to get mine out of my head.

But this brings us to tangent #2, which is quite interesting because I was planning on making 4 different posts for all of them. But these 2 blend well together, so I'll keep them together.

Personally, I'm not a believer of God. I know, shocking. But it just seems to unreal to me.
I can't believe that something comes from nothing (page... 31? of Sophies World). I just can't.
God existed, even though nothing else existed, and made something from nothing.
He made the world and everything on it.

It just seems so strange. But then I can't help but think about how the Earth must have come from something. Okay, so I can live with the whole "dust-paricle-explosion" theory, no matter how shaky it may be. Doesn't necessarily mean I live by it.

But space goes on forever? There must be some end to it. But how does it end? Serously. There can't just be a giant wall at the end of space. But it's impossible to wrap your mind around something that never ends. It's like trying to wrap your head around the fact that space has always been here. How long is always? How did space begin? Did it begin?

Those are the questions I'm positive I'll never know the answer to.
Maybe "science" will figure it out eventually. But definitely not in this lifetime.
Probably not even in the lifetime of my generation's great-great-great-grandchildren.

And speaking of science. What if science is completely wrong about everything?
It's almost a scary thought and then I realize - everything will function the same. We'll just have no idea how or why. Or we'll discover how/why it happens. But you never know.
Science has been proven wrong before.
But what if it's never right?
Would it be so bad if we never really knew how/why things happened? We'd start making up more expanations, I can promise you that.

Hmm.

So. There was a spider on my arm at work today. And I didn't know, so some guy swatted it for me.
At least, I think it was a spider.
If so, we had a shitload of spiders at work today. How strange.
They must've been disturbed.


ANYWAYS.
I was thinking: what if I ended up like spiderman?T
otally impossible, I know, I know.
I was just thinking.

But seriously, I was thinking of how annoying work could be.
And wondered if spider-like powers would benefit me at ALL in the Dari.
I came up with the conclusion that they wouldn't.
Am I right or wrong?

Moths

You are the porch light to my moth-like senses.
So tempting.
Yet so dangerous.

"You can tell me" to "You're a piece of me"

Written July 30, 2008.

Some more things I just need to get OUT of my head.

People always say you can tell them everything.
Friends do.
"You can tell me anything! If it's bothering you, you can tell me!"

But there are really some things that won't interest them and you can tell. If something's bothering you and you bring it up in conversation, they'll change the subject. You feel like you talk about it too much, but it's only because it bothers you. But they act bored and talk in a monotoned, uncaring voice.

Then why lie? Why lie and say you care? These are uninteresting things. Things you don't want - or need - to know. Why try to squeeze it out if you don't want to hear it?

"I want to know what's wrong, I want you to feel better"

It only makes me feel better to talk about something when someone is really genuinely listening. When they really want to hear it. If they don't, I don't want to talk about it. Simple as that.

I feel like I have more to say on that subject, but I can't find a way to type it out. Maybe some other time.

So onto my next subject. :]

---

Everyone I meet changes me.
Even if only a little, they really do.
Every one of my friends is a piece of me.
Every s i n g l e one.

But think. If you meet someone on the street, just the look they give you can affect you. Affect the way you feel, what you think.

Seriously.

It can make you remember an old friend and get back in contact with them.
Maybe the shirt they're wearing makes you discover a new band.
Or movie.
Maybe they say something to someone - even to you - that changes your opinion.
Maybe you discover a new style you want.
Or don't want.

Everyone affects you in some way. Even strangers on the street.
So your friends - the people you're around all the time - must affect you the greatest.
I know my style of clothes, way of speaking, and knowledge has morphed from the people I've grown to love.
A lot.
Sometimes I feel bad - like I'm trying to make myself into a carbon copy of someone else - but then I realize I'm taking pieces of different puzzles to make my own.

I'm discovering who I really feel like inside.

I realize that when I moved, I uprooted myself from the lifestyle I had been forming - which actually turned out to be a good thing.
I went from extremely introverted to fairly extroverted.
If you saw the change, you know what I'm talking about.
When I began making new friends, I realized how much I loved making new friends.
How could I make more if I was introverted?

By changing my way of socializing - not my personality, mind you, I'm still the same Sarah - I met some of the most amazing people I could ever imagine meeting.

But let's get back to the main focus of this spiel.
When I uprooted, I left all my friends.
Meaning I left my entire puzzle behind, or so it felt like.
I was bare and exposed, nobody to hide behind.
So I did the opposite of what I should have - I became even more introverted.

Sure, I made a few good friends, but once I had people to hide behind, I was done with that.But I started making more friends, somehow. And found more pieces to add to the puzzle that is me. Because, as I said before, all my friends are a piece of me.

But one piece left. That piece wasn't major, but it was still strange to find it missing. I can still feel it missing sometimes.

(Bear with the puzzle metaphor, it was all I could think of -____-; )

Well, now another piece will soon be gone. A larger one.
I wonder how it will feel.
Will things go back to how they used to be?
Will I forget about them?
How could I?
See, that's what I'm afraid of.
What if I forget? What if they forget?
What if we forget about each other?

Life will go on, that's what.
But will I still feel that piece missing?

Revelations

Written July 28, 2008.

So.
I feel like... I'm not opinionated enough.
Or maybe that's not the right way to see it.
I feel like.
For one, I care too much about what people think. Generally, it's only those who are important to me. But should I even let those I love define me? I should let ME define me.

You see, I met someone. And at first that's exactly how I described them - opinionated.
But that's not quite right. They're more... different.
They see things differently. Perceive them differently.

Whenever I think of something the least bit differently, I let the thought flutter away. Random phrases will pop into my head, but I just let them leave without a care.

I don't want that anymore. I want to remember what I think. I want to say what I think, even if it doesn't quite make sense to me. Because if I keep thinking and keep talking about it, it eventually works itself out. Or comes close to it.

I don't want to see things through the same tunnel vision as the rest of the world. I want my thoughts to interest me. They don't. I bore myself. Constantly.

I want to talk things out more, even if it's only in a blog or journal such as this. Whatever's running through my head... maybe I can make it interesting. Make it something I want to think about. Something other people want to hear about.

Does that make sense? Can I make it happen? I hope so.

True Love / Soul Mates

Written July 22, 2008.

Now, let's a take a look at the concept of true love and soul mates. Many people believe that there is one person out there for you. One person who you're meant to be with. Now, I used to believe this, but recently I've been thinking.

What if there's someone who you're deeply in love with, but they don't love you back? Then you're not meant to be. I mean, you don't have to give up on them right away. There's always a chance. But you shouldn't spend the rest of your life pining away for them.

You can find someone else. Someone who actually has feelings for you. And you could grow to love someone else. Or you could meet someone who you love more than the other person.

The thing is, what if you still love person A? The one who doesn't care for you. And then person B comes along and you decide you like them a lot. Is it wrong if you want to be with B because you can't be with A? And I don't mean being with them because they're there, but being with them because you DO care about them, even if you might love them less.

But if you DO decide to be with B, do you think by being with them, your love could grow and become even stronger of that of A? And will you still have feelings for A?

Anyways, onto the next subject.

Soul mates?

I used to believe soul mates could exist. One soul mate. But seriously. One person out of six billion?

Maybe there's more than one person out there. To even the odds, you know? Think how screwed you'd be if you found more than one. Could you? How many are there?

I keep going in circles in my head trying to figure it out. Trying to give love some logic. Yeah, right. Logic and love don't mix, apparently.

What about if something complicated is going on? If you're in a difficult situation, if it was difficult enough, it'd be hard to stick with someone, even if they were your soul mate. In a simple situation, you could be with someone you don't love a whole lot.

But if you had to deal with something, it would push the limits of your love and see if you were really meant to be.

Some couples are pushed too hard and never find out.
Some aren't pushed enough and find out too late.
It sucks to be in either of those positions.

I don't even know where I was going with this.
Just trying to get it out of my head. :]
If you read this, lemme know if it was fucked up or sounded at least a little right.

I have realized that

You must get burned to eat delicious amazing pizza.
Every time I have had delicious amazing pizza, I have been burned.
When I eat delicious amazing pizza, I am happy.
So in a way.Getting burned makes me happy?

This reminds me of geometry and some sort of property.
If A=B
And B=C
Then A=CI

f you get burned when you eat delicious pizza
And eating delicious pizza makes you happy
Then getting burned makes you happy.

Interesting logic, amirite? :]

Creation.

I created this to post my random, often incoherent thoughts.
I've decided when something runs through my head, I want to type it out.
I've been posting my thoughts on facebook, myspace, and deviantart, but I also want a semi-organized blog where I can see them all at once. For reference?

When will I ever need these? I don't know. I suppose if someone wants to know my opinion on something I can point them to my blog instead of rewriting it all out.

I'll be posting up a few blurbs I've done recently just to start things off.